Let's talk about nipple chafing

A few years back, when I was a relatively regular fixture at my local gym, I decided to test myself on the treadmill and find out if my portly frame could complete a 5K jog. Imagine my surprise when I actually managed to go through with it, finishing the entire distance in around thirty minutes without stopping once. It was a great moment, a huge achievement for a guy like me, whose cardio routine was non-existent and whose strongest muscle was his gaming thumb.


I paid hell for it the next day. Because I hadn't prepared for such intense activity, my body suffered a new world of hurt. My inner thighs were chafed red-raw - damn near blistered in fact - and every little movement caused my legs to rub together, sending fresh waves of pain through me. It was like I had scrubbed my legs with sandpaper.

Similar to this picture.

I thought it was the worst pain anyone could possibly experience. I was wrong.


There is one sensation far more painful, far more uncomfortable, and far more agonising than chaffed thighs. Chafed nipples.


After twenty minutes of continuous running, you're gonna be pretty damn sweaty. If you're wearing a loose top, that piece of fabric is gonna be shaking and bumping with every movement. Once that top gets wet, it'll cling to your chest like a needy child, gently grazing a very sensitive part of your anatomy. You see where I'm going with this?


There is no pain on this world more excruciating than chafed nipples. Put your 'childbirth V kicked in the nuts' debate to the side - this is something else entirely. No matter how many times you shower, the pain won't go away. You can rub antiseptic cream into your nipple (making little 'Ooh-oh-ah!' noises as you do), but the pain won't fade. And, unless you plan to sit around shirtless afterward, you've gotta put fresh clothes on, making the pain even worse.


If you run for too long without planning ahead, your nipples will bleed. Mine did. It was both excruciating and embarrassing. Even worse when it starts to heal. I didn't realise how bad it was until I got in the shower. It looked like I had been lactating strawberry milk. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as this:

Look at his face. He knows true pain.

If chafed thighs felt like a sandpaper injury, chafed nipples felt like being rubbed down with a cheese grater. A cheese grater covered in broken glass. And bathed in salt afterwards. In a tub filled with acid.


Fortunately, there are ways to prevent this agony from ever happening. You can rub Vaseline (or similar) into your nipples before you run. This will eventually wash off with enough sweat, but it will protect for at least the first nine miles, in my experience. Another good way to avoid the dread nipple chafe is to wear tighter shirts. Don't go for a long run wearing those loose workout shirts. They're filled with tiny airholes, making the rub far more extreme than it would be in a regular t-shirt. I've started running in tight compression shirts. These are lightweight enough to be comfortable and designed to cling to the skin without bobbing around while you run. They're fantastic, and you can get loads of great designs:

Yes, I do run around in public dressed like a superhero.

If you've never experienced nipple chafing before, take my advice: you don't want to. Plan ahead. Don't be cocky. Or your nipples will pay!