Negative headspace

I've always tried to maintain an air of positivity on this blog, because I wanted to encourage others to jump in and get fit along with me. The idea of this space has always been to say, 'If I can do it, anybody can.' Today's post is not going to have the same feeling. Today's post is the opposite. I'm not in a good headspace and need to write down my thoughts; to purge myself of these negative feelings.

This could be me right now.

It's January, a depressing, unrelentingly miserable month. Money is already drained and the days drag out forever. As soon as the month is over, the year is halfway gone. Everyone approaches the new year with that excited feeling - 'New year, new me!' - but so few people actually stick to it. The gyms will be cluttered up with people whose memberships will outlast their commitments. I wish everyone well on their fitness journeys - I really do, despite how this sounds! - but I would love it if everyone could commit to the job in hand and see it through. Fitness is a marathon, not a sprint. I should know.

I ended 2019 a heavier man than when I started. I'm angry at myself for getting out of shape again. Yes, there was a lot going on - new job, wedding, honeymoon, Christmas - and it was lovely to simply enjoy being married and happy. But I'm way out of shape. This time last year, I was riding high on the thrill of breaking my thirteen mile target. This year, I can't run three miles without slowing down. It's humiliating and soul-destroying and I'm so mad at myself for letting things get this bad.

The Bath Half is sixty-eight days away and we are not ready in the slightest. I feel like I've let the team down - despite nobody putting me in this position - because I was supposed to lead by example. But instead of getting out there and running, I'm stuffing my fat face with chocolate, feeling my chins wobble with every bite. My clothes are tight. Every time I look down, I can see the curve of my gut. My Captain America running shirt is tighter than it used to be. When I get changed into my tight running gear, I'm reminded of sausagement getting stuffed into a case.

This could be a selfie.

So I now want to force myself to think about the positives. I'm still able to hit the treadmill and improve. I'm still excited to tackle the Bath Half and the Bristol 10K later in the year. I've signed up to take part in a few Parkruns in the area (every Saturday). I've even got an opportunity to go to a climbing gym and learn how to scale a wall, something I've been wanting to do for a long time. Despite how bleak and grim things feel, there are things to enjoy and look forward to. I'm going to push through this negative headspace and get back on track.

And, yes, I'm excited to see all the new people at the gym. I hope that you, reading this, are going to be one of them.